Alta Vista Neighborhood Association

Red Car

Hey I got a great idea. Let's do an inclusive art project and get all the young ''chidrens'' that cry out for spray painted art in the barrio to paint that ugly, red crashed car yellow.

THEN, we could find an adult to help them spell the word ''RYDER'' on the side of it. Maybe the FBI or even the Homeland Security can do something about that ugly, crashed yellow Ryder car/van on W. Craig.

Oh yeah, and THANK GOD for the good people at Homeland Security that keep us safe from the terrorists in Afghanistan. (Or was it Kurdistan? Pakistan? Anyways, it was some country that ends in ''-stan''. Beaconstan?)

Thank God for them, keeping us safe from the terrorists here in Beacon Hill. To bad they couldn't do much about the terrorists on City Council, what with trying to poison our water supply. I heard that PGA is a ''front'' organization for wealthy oil sheiks from Beaconstan, that want to put plutonium on the Golf Course, poison the water, and then build a big-'ol Bunkhaus on the 18th green for their imigrant greens keepers to live in and buy their heroin.

Maybe someday we will have a new Federal agency to protect us from the Neighborhood terrorists, and they could call it something like ''Foreign Neighborhood Safety'', so that we could be safe from the Mexican Mafia and the marauding Bulls (and Fems) from the Planning Department.

P.S. We don't need to ''mend fences'' with them, they need to ''mend fences'' with us. Some street repairs, some sidewalks and some arrests made of some MidTown ''business'' owners would be a good start to that end.

Also, I don't need to get along with you, you need to get along with me. Or else. AND, we don't need to get along with them, they need to get along with us. And DOUBLE ''AND'', we don't need to get along with you, you need to get along with us, or we will squish you like a bug. Or a rat.

Double PS. You might want to make sure you don't smell like pot when you come to Neighborhood meetins. It could be very embarrasing, and also could raise some legal complications. For you.

By Your Average Vigilante

Pish-Posh...

Oh pish-posh with all of that ''militant vigilante'' stuff. My wife Lovey and I can from a Neighborhood very similiar to this one in Kansas, after we were rescued from that island.

The Neighborhood in Kansas had needles in their alleys, and drug-addicts staggering around and stealing all of their property too. That is what qualifies me to address this issue to the indigenous peoples of this multi-cultural Neighborhood. Even if we never did anything for ''those people'' in Kansas, we thought nice thoughts and always dressed nice. And we were very polite at all times to everyone. And we smelled nice, too.

And now that we live in another Neighborhood that has needles, addicts, drunks and frightened and non-performing Board Member ''leaders'', we feel well-qualified to sit on our back sides and say nice things to people in the hopes that someday they may do nice things for us. Screw the rest of you people.

That is why I deny that there is a war-like environment, this Neighborhood is not a ''war-zone'' like some of the combatants believe. Just because they are at war does not mean that there is one, even if there is gunfire and people getting killed. Plus, if there was a real war going on, Lovey and I would sure look like disengaged and rather stupid suburbanites standing around watching it all happening around us while denying it. (Even in public.)

Couldn't have that, could we? They might throw us out of the Country Club.

By Thurston Howell the 3rd

Y'know...

I just read some of my earlier work just know, and I HAVE to say:

DAMN! But am I GOOD or what???

Yeah, a few spelling errors and a couple typos here 'n there but

DAMN! That's GOOD!

Yeah, yeah, think what you like. But note that I write this stuff at warp speed, and I spend about 5 seconds editing my work. (That's all it or you deserve. You can PAY me, THEN I will edit well...)

And another thing. Let's see YOU try and write something.

I like the Planning Department/Lesbian thing. GREAT fun! (Y'know the only person that's more offended than a lesbian that is ''outed'', is a straight woman that is ''accused'' of being a lesbian. GREAT stuff. HA, HA, HA !

''evildykes@plasticphallus.com''

DAMN! That's Great!

-or-

''...marauding Bulls (and Fems) from the Planning Department...''

Hoo! ! !

Folks, I am having a blast! Hope youi are too ! ! ! !

Oh yeah, and a quote:

''The smart City Planners and City Engineers, they don't live in *our* Neighborhoods....''

-City Councilman Bobby Perez at a General Meeting of the Beacon Hill Area Neighborhood Association, and in the presence of City of San Antonio Planner (II) Karal Heynormanwood.


Hoo ! ! Yet another BRILLIANT gag !!!

By The Author

The Reason

The reason why some people go to the ''vigilante'' card is because it is frequently the only one left to play.

Here is it, Sept. 19the and the red car is still crashed and ugly in front of the house.

The question I have is this:

How can I ''craft'' language that sounds like a threat to do something like torch that car on W. Craig, but would have a ''bullet proof'' defense in court.

This is where I go. I want to know where the dividing lines are between ''free speech'' and the communication of a terroristic threat.

Obviously if I posted something like ''Because the City of San Antonio Code Compliance has failed to enforce the code with regard to a car that has been wrecked and is sitting inoperable on the side of the road for several months, I am going to get a beer bottle filled with gasoline and one night I will....''

You get the idea. That kind of thing is obviously illegal. But then where is the line? Is what I just wrote illegal? Does it matter that I wrote it for illustrative purposes, or is it's ''illegal nature'' dependant on what the reader percieves?

And is that perception subjective?

So these are thing I think about. The consequences of advocating that citizens burn up piles of trash and junk cars set out on the road way by rental property owners and their trashy tenants. And also ways in which to communicate this encouragement that are still legal.

Wouldn't it be easier for Officer Benavides to have the damn thing towed?

By Your Average Vigilante