Augusta Bulldogs Blockwatch

Ol Time Laughter...Putting the FUN Back into the FUNNIES! pg I

New Jokes 5 2 2002

What's Your "Southern" Sign?

Some of us (especially Southerners) are pretty skeptical of horoscopes, and it has become obvious that what we need are "Southern" symbols:

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence
everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt
like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20)
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense
and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or - maybe not.

POSSUM (Apr 21 - May 21)
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to
work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21)
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to
the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23)
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those round them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23)
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy
bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23)
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a
club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23)
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their
criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22)
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21)
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another possibility.


Modern Love

A modern mother is explaining to her little girl about pictures in the family photo album:

"This is the geneticist with your surrogate mother and here's your sperm donor and your father's clone. This is me holding you when you were just a frozen embryo...

The lady with the very troubled look on her face is your aunt, she's the family genealogist."


FAT THEOLOGY

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent
double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth ice cream. And Woman gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them.And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and aid, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And Satan created.


DUCT TAPE FOR WOMEN

Men and duct tape go together like bacon and bypass surgery. It's man's all purpose fix it tool. Carl Zwanzig has said, "Duct tape is like the force: It has a dark side and a light side and it holds the universe together". But until now Duct tape has just been for men.

Well, women rejoice!! Because here are my tips for using duct tape for YOU. 'Cause you won't be seeing these anytime soon on Martha Stewart.

Ladies, do you want smooth, silky legs? Throw away your razors, your shavers and those messy creams and waxes. Just
place the duct tape over the length of your legs, press down and rip upwards quickly. You'll scream with joy .. or at the very least, you'll scream.

And Girls are you tired of those expensive biore strips? Need I say more?

For you parents, adhere to the floor with the tape side up and you'll never lose site of your toddler again.

Duct tape is great in the kitchen too. Are you tired of using fragile, wrinkled aluminum foil? Next time just tape your baked potatoes with the gray wonder.

It makes for a great diet too, because think of all the calories you'll burn just trying to get the potato out of the tape.

And lastly, for the entertainer in you, fashion into a ball with the tape side out, roll in a bowl of grated cheddar and finally you have a cheese ball that will last into the next decade.

For the Cat Lovers

THE CAT TO ENGLISH DICTIONARY

Cat Phrase ~ Meaning


Miaow ~ Feed me.

meeow ~ Pet me.

mrooww ~ I love you.

miioo oo oo ~ I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath
the hedge. Don't wait up.

mrow ~ I feel like making noise.

rrrow mawww ~ Please, the time is come to tidy the cat box.

rrrow miawww ~ I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the
contents as far out of the box as was practical.

miaowmiaow ~ Play with me.

miaowmioaw ~ Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in
this room?

mioawmioaw ~ Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see
what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture.

raowwwww ~ I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts
of my anatomy.

mrowwwww (only heard in males) ~ I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet.

roww maww roww ~ I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen.

mmeww ~ I believe I have heard a burglar. If you would like to go and
beat him senseless, I shall be happy to keep your spot in the bed warm.

iieee iieee - LOOK! There is a little bug on the ceiling!

gakk ak ak ~ My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball. Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting.

mow ~ Snuggling is a good idea.

moww ~ Shedding is pretty good, too.

mowww! ~ I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry
until you removed me so unkindly.

miaow! miaow! ~ I have discovered that, although one may be able to
wedge one's body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer
filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult
to navigate.

mraakk! ~ Oh, small bird! Please come over here.

ssssroww! ~ I believe that I have found a woodchuck. I shall now act
terribly brave.

mmmmmmm ~ If I sit in the sunshine for another week or so, I think I might be satisfied.
http://www.geocities.com/Petsburgh/2418/catdictionary.htm


CAT POOP COOKIES
(Compliments of CatStuff - Author Unknown)

Here by popular request (believe it or not) is the recipe for the infamous, disgusting cookies thatlook like cat poops (rolled in grapenuts, which makes lovely fake kitty litter.)
Last warning - many of you may not want to read this!

There are two flavors: chocolate (dark brown), or gingerbread (light brown).

The author seldom measured carefully, so the amounts may need adjustment, especially on flavoring. The cookies are dense and not very sweet. This is necessary so that they will keep their shape during baking. If you use white flour or sugar, they may be tastier but they won't look like poopies.

Chocolate ingredients:
1/2 cup honey
2/3 cup (1 and 1/3 stick) butter, margarine or lard
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla or peppermint extract
2 cups whole wheat flour
1/3 cup cocoa powder
grapenuts(tm) cereal

Gingerbread ingredients:
1/4 cup honey
1/4 cup molasses
2/3 cup (1 and 1/3 stick) butter, margarine or lard
1 egg
2 and 1/3 cups whole wheat flour
spices: ginger, cinnamon, cloves to taste (maybe 1/2 tsp. each)
grapenuts(tm) cereal

Mix-ins (optional):
Coconut = tapeworms
Chocolate chips = poop chunks
Butterscotch chips = diarrhea
Peanut butter chips = diarhhea
Cooked spaghetti or ramen noodles = roundworms
Corn = self-explanatory
Peanuts = chunks
M&Ms = decoration?

To make:
Microwave the honey till it bubbles (about one minute).

Add the butter
(I've been told using lard makes for a more realistic texture and softer
cookie) and the molasses, if any.

Add the egg, mix well, then mix in all
the other ingredients.

Add mix-ins of your choice to some or all of the batter.

Chill one hour in the freezer or several hours in the fridge.

Roll dough logs of random length and the diameter of cat poops. Roll logs in
grapenuts and bake at 350 degrees till done (about 20 minutes, but this
varies, so watch them.)

Serve in a disposable cat litter box on a bed of grapenuts, with a cat litter scoop. I hear you get a lovely effect by decorating the box and a scoop with melted chocolate or pudding.

Brown sugar might work as a substitute for the new clumping litters.

Mixing brown sugar with the grapenuts "sweetens up the cookie a bit
while still looking truly disgusting."

This recipe worked especially well at the Halloween party where the table was already decorated with plastic flies.
http://www.geocities.com/Petsburgh/2418/catpoop.htm


Ten Things A Cat Thinks About
(author unknown)

I could have sworn I heard the can opener.

Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their
mouths?

Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?

I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have an ulterior
motive?

Hmmm ... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats
ever get these stupid dogs to do anything for us?

This looks like a good spot for a nap.

Hey, no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.

Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if
we cats handn't give them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in
the first place?

If there's a God, how can He allow neutering/spaying?

If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let them know who's boss!

http://www.geocities.com/Petsburgh/2418/10things.htm


Top Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password
(by Dave Fore)

E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

You find you've been subscribed to strange news groups like
alt.recreational.cat.

Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/.

Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna.

Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog".

Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

You keep finding new software around your house like Catin Tax and WarCat II.

On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

There are little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

http://www.geocities.com/Petsburgh/2418/signs.htm

The Brat Cats
http://www.geocities.com/Petsburgh/2418/index.html

1943 Guide to Hiring Women from Transportation Magazine

1943 Guide to Hiring Women

The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine. This was serious and written for male supervisors of women in the work force during World War II - a mere 58 years ago! Obviously, the intent was not to be "funny," but by today's standards, this is hilarious! For those of you with efficiency issues, pay attention to #8.

Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees:
There is no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage.

Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject:

1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of irresponsibility than their unmarried sisters. They are less likely to be
flirtatious. They need the work, or they would not be doing it. They still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public afficiently.

2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked
outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never
contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It is always well to impress upon older women, the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who
are just a little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical
examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.

5. Stress at the outset, the importance of time; the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

6. Give the female employee a definite daylong schedule of duties so that they will keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that
women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them,
but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to
another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less
nervous and happier with change.

8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day.
You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology.

A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair
tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they cannot shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women.

Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she will
grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

11. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each
girl can have a proper fit. This point cannot be stressed too much.

We've come a long way, baby

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