PERSONAL POINT OF VIEW

Why There Are No Children Here: A Mother's Day Lament

Special Correspondent: Deborah Douglas

“What have you ever done right?” That was the question that dominated my mind one night two years ago as I lay in my bed, surrounded by fluffy pillows and a sleepy Yorkie at the foot.

This wasn’t one of those self-denigrating moments I engage in when I internally chastise myself for not writing enough that day or holding my temper tighter, or not giving one of my journalism students much-needed grace under the pressure they face to prepare for an industry that asks them to do everything at once masterfully.

No, this was a true thought experiment to force myself to fully identify the things I’ve gotten right in my life as a way of charting a course to build on something righteous and real, instead of wallowing in the wreckage of failed relationships, bridges burnt, tasks incomplete, dreams left to slumber or doors of opportunity walked by, not through.

“You have never had children,” I answered myself. This reality might seem like a cause of sadness or lament for many people who view having children as a raison d’être or path to true social security in old age. To many of my girlfriends, it’s a cause for hope because in pursuing our dreams for work, play and travel, we had long convinced ourselves there’d always be time for making children. But that’s not true, is it? Abundant eggs crack with age. And so had my dreams of one day being a mother inside a committed partnership with a man who wanted to make family as much a centerpiece of his life as I did mine.

While I’m satisfied in knowing I made a series of deliberate decisions to land me where I stand now, childless, the truth is the American way of living doesn’t really support families beyond a few tax breaks. Subconsciously, I’ve always known this. Why else would we use the Band-Aid for public education reform—charter schools—as the antidote to true progress?

If we really cared about stable families, why would we institute a culture of fines and fees a la Ferguson, Missouri, to pay for services enjoyed by the collective? With more women heading families, why won’t we shift our paradigm and adopt workplace policies, schedules, salary structures and paths to the board room, as we would if we really cared about families? My gut has long told another story my head wouldn't hear.

So, as I lay considering the next steps in my life story, I struggled to figure it out. I’ve practiced journalism for two decades, a career I chose at age eight because I felt like I had no voice and figured other people might feel muted into submission, too.

Yet, downsized from being a vital, high-performing member of a major media outlet, I now faced joblessness and intermittent contract work due to company bankruptcy and a changed industry, in addition to the lack of a retirement nest egg. I was still reeling from a divorce that sneaked up on me rather than announcing itself loudly for months on end letting me know to get ready for the next phase.....

NOTE: To read this full length OpEd, go to: http://prospect.org/article/why-there-are-no-children-here-mothers-day-lament

(Deborah Douglas is a senior facilitator at The OpEd Project and adjunct lecturer at Northwestern University)