NAP- Neighborhood Alliance of Pawtucket

Humor & Memories

Hilarious Headlines

CRACK REPORTER BECOMES BUTT OF BAD JOKE

HEATED DISCUSSION IN WAX MUSEUM CAUSES MASSIVE MELTDOWN

CHEF FIRED AFTER SUBSTITUTING STUFFED ENVELOPE FOR STUFFED MUSHROOM

BUMBLING BUM BUMMED OUT BY BUMBLING BUMBLE BEES

DRUNKEN FOOL LOOSES TEETH AND BREAKS JAW TRYING TO DRINK HOPSCOTCH
GAME

FORMER ALL-PRO NFL QUARTERBACK PASSES KIDNEY STONE

BAD VIBES CAUSE LIONEL HAMPTON TO CALL IT QUITS

FORMER SEAMSTRESS, INDICTED FOR MURDER, LEAVES NO THREAD OF EVIDENCE

NEWLYWED HOCKEY PLAYER CANNOT WAIT TO PUCKER UP

POPULAR "TRADING SPACES" HOME IMPROVEMENT SHOW ENDS ABRUPTLY WHEN
HOMEOWNERS PAINT THEMSELVES INTO A CORNER

ONLY PARENT OF ONLY CHILD IS ONLY THE LONELY

BITCHY WIFE PROMISES HER HUSBAND ETERNAL WIFE

SCOTCH TAPE BANNED IN SCOTLAND AFTER SCOTCH TAPEWORM OUTBREAK

ETHIOPIAN WINS FIRST ANNUAL (?) 40,070 km (CIRCUMFERENCE OF THE
EARTH) WORLD MARATHON IN JUST OVER 365 DAYS (THINK ABOUT IT…)

DEADLY SHARK ATTACK LEAVES MANY SHARKS DEAD

UNDESIREABLES MOVE INTO DESIREABLE NEIGHBORHOOD… NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH
STARTS TICKING AGAIN

ALL THINGS CONSIDERED… CONSIDERABLE THOUGHT WENT INTO CONSIDERABLE
EFFORT BY A CONSIDERABLE NUMBER OF PEOPLE

VAGABOND DENIED BOND AFTER BEING FOUND GUILY OF BONDING WITH A
BONDSMAN DURING BONDAGE

WELL-DRILLING COMPANY OWNED BY WELL-TO-DO OWNERS

ODORLESS PERFUME COMPANY FACES FLAGRANT FRAGRANT VIOLATIONS

KENTUCKY DERBY WINNER NOW WEARS "THE HAT" IN THE FAMILY

OVERGROWN PET TOAD TURNS OWNERS INTO WORRY WARTS

LEARNED GYNECOLOGIST REDEFINES P.M.S. AS "POOR MAN SYNDROME"

IDIOTS TO PRESENT IDIOTIC IDEAS AT ANNUAL IDIOTS CONVENTION… THIS
YEAR'S THEME "WHAT A BUNCH OF IDIOTS!"

RUSSIAN SCIENTISTS IN COOPERATION WITH THE STATE OF IDAHO PLAN TO
LAUCH A 5 LB. BAG OF IDAHO POTATOES INTO ORBIT… ON "SPUDNIK" MISSION

SOUTHWEST AIRLINES GOES BELLY UP AFTER ALTERING ROUTES TO ONLY FLY IN
ONE DIRECTION – SOUTHWEST

NORTHWEST AIRLINES AVERTS DISASTER AFTER ABORTING TAKE-OFF ON THE
SOUTHWEST AIRLINES AIRLINES BUSINESS MODEL

PET POLAR BEAR GIVES OWNER THE COLD SHOULDER… OWNER CRUSHED

FIRST ANNUAL TURTLE RACE OFF TO VERY SLOW START… UNOFFICIAL RESULTS
TO BE POSTED WITHIN MONTHS… WE SHELL SEE WHAT WE SHELL SEE

God Enjoys a Laugh/ Auto Creator and Memories

There
were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1.He
called everyone brother

2.He
liked Gospel

3.He
didn't get a fair trial

But
then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was
Jewish:

1.He
went into His Father's business

2.He
lived at home until he was 33

3.He
was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was
God

But
then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was
Italian:

1.He
talked with His hands

2.He
had wine with His meals

3.He
usedolive oil

But
then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a
Californian:

1.He
never cut His hair

2.He
walked around barefoot all the time

3.He
started a new religion

But
then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was anAmerican Indian:

1.He
was at peace with nature

2.He
ate a lot of fish

3.He
talked about theGreat
Spirit

But
then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was
Irish:

1.He
never got married.

2.He
was always telling stories.

3.He
lovedgreen
pastures.

But
the mostcompelling evidenceof all
- 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1.He
fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no
food

2.He
kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just
didn't get it

3.And
even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work
to do

Can I get an
AMEN!!



Fred was telling his friend how his uncle tried to make a new car for himself..."so he took wheels from a Cadillac, a radiator from a Ford, some tires and fenders from a Plymouth..."

"Holy Cow," interrupted his friend, "What did he end up with?"

And Fred replied, "Two years."
////////////////////////////////
MEMORY TEST!

This is NOT a pushover test. There are 20 questions. Average score is 12. It will help if you are over 60! This one will be difficult for the younger set. Have fun, but no peeking! When you forward this to your friends/family, put your score in the subject line & let them know your score. Don't forget to forward it to me, as well. Good luck youngsters.

1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?

A. Flintstone's vitamins
B. The Buttmaster
C. Spaghetti
D. Wonder Bread
E. Orange Juice
F. Milk
G. Cod Liver Oil

2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was...

A. Sugar Ray Robinson
B. Roy Orbison
C. Gene Autry
D. Rudolph Valentino
E. Fabian
F. Mickey Mantle
G. Cassius Clay

3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, 'We have met the enemy and...

A. It's you
B. He is us
C. It's the Grinch
D. He wasn't home
E. He's really me an
F. We quit
G. He surrendered

4. Good night, David.

A. Good night, Chet
B. Sleep well
C. Good night Irene
D. Good night Gracie
E. See you later alligator
F. Until tomorrow
G. Good night Steve

5. You'll wonder where the yellow went...

A. When you use Tide
B. When you lose your crayons
C. When you clean your tub
D. If you paint the room blue
E. If you buy a soft water tank
F. When you use Lady Clairol
G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent

6. Before he was the Skipper's Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's
friend...

A. Stuart Whitman
B. Randolph Scott
C. Steve Reeves
D. Maynard G. Krebbs
E. Corky B. Dork
F. Dave the Whale
G. Zippy Zoo

7. Liar, liar...

A. You're a liar
B. Your nose is growing
C. Pants on fire
D. Join the choir
E. Jump up higher
F. On the wire
G. I'm telling Mom

8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a never ending battle for
truth, justice and...

A. Wheaties
B. Lois Lane
C. TV ratings
D. World peace
E. Red tights
F. The American way
G. News headlines

9. Hey kids! What time is it?

A. It's time for Yogi Bear
B. It's time to do your homework
C. It's Howdy Doody Time
D. It's Time for Romper Room
E. It's bedtime
F. The Mighty Mouse Hour
G. Scoopy Doo Time

10. Lions and tigers and bears...

A. Yikes
B. Oh no
C. Gee whiz
D. I'm scared
E. Oh my
F. Help! Help!
G. Let's run

11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone...

A. Over 40
B. Wearing a uniform
C. Carrying a briefcase
D. Over 30
E. You don't know
F. Who says, 'Trust me'
G. Who eats tofu

12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women's
stockings...

A. Troy Aikman
B. Kenny Stabler< BR>C. Joe Namath
D. Roger Stauback
E. Joe Montana
F. Steve Young
G. John Elway

13. Brylcream...

A. Smear it on
B. You'll smell great
C. Tame that cowlick
D. Grease ball heaven
E. It's a dream
F. We're your team
G. A little dab'll do ya

14. I found my thrill...

A. In Blueberry muffins
B. With my man, Bill
C. Down at the mill
D. Over the windowsill
E. With thyme and dill
F. Too late to enjoy
G. On Blueberry Hill

15. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by...

A. Clark Gable
B. Mary Martin
C. Doris Day
D. Errol Flynn
E. Sally Fields
F. Jim Carey
G. Jay Leno

16. Name the Beatles ....

A. John, Steve, George, Ringo
B. John, Paul, George, Roscoe
C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo
D. Jay, Paul, George, Ringo
E. Lewis, Peter, George, Ringo
F. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel
G. John, Paul, George, Ringo

17. I wonder, wonder, who..

A. Who ate the leftovers?
B. Who did the laundry?
C. Was it you?
D. Who wrote the book of love?
E. Who I am?
F. Passed the test?
G. Knocked on the door?

18. I'm strong to the finish...

A. Cause I eats my broccoli
B. Cause I eats me spinach
C. Cause I lift weights
D. Cause I'm the hero
E. And don't you forget it
F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me
G. To outlast Bruto

19. When it's least expected, you're elected, you're the star today...

A. Smile, you're on Candid Camera
B. Smile, you're on Star Search
C. Smile, you won the lottery
D. Smile, we're watching you
E. Smile, the world sees you
F. Smile, you're a hit
G. Smile, you're on TV

20. What do M & M's do?

A. Make your tummy happy
B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket
C. Make you fat
D. Melt your heart
E. Make you popular
F. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand
G. Come in colors


Below are the correct answers:

1. D - Wonder Bread
2. G - Cassius Clay
3. B - He Is Us
4. A - Good night, Chet
5. G - When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
6. D - Maynard G. Krebbs
7. C - Pants On Fire
8. F - The American Way
9. C - It's Howdy Doody Time
10. E - Oh My
11. D - Over 30
12. C - Joe Namath
13. G - A little dab'll do ya
14. G - On Blueberry Hill
15. B - Mary Martin
16. G - John, Paul, George, Ringo
17. D - Who wrote the book of Love
18. B - Cause I eats me spinach
19. A - Smile, you're on Candid Camera
20. F - Melt In Your Mouth Not In Your Hand


Don't forget to put your score in the subject line,when you forward this on.

Josh Blue with reality humor

Josh Blue finds humor in his disability

02/07/2007 01:00 AM EST

By Andy Smith

Journal Television Writer

Comedian Josh Blue was a member of the U.S. soccer team during the 2004 Paralympic Games, an international sporting event for people with physical disabilities.
Josh Blue has cerebral palsy. He wants you to laugh about it.

Blue is a comedian, the winner of the NBC reality show Last Comic Standing in August. The sometime absurd realities of living with a disability is at the core of his act, which will be at the Comedy Connection in East Providence tomorrow.

On stage, Blue jokes that his twisted right hand, which occasionally makes spasmodic movements, has gotten its own job as an interpreter for the deaf — in Spanish.

His mom is the only person who can tell if he’s drunk. She’ll say “Josh, are you walking straighter?”

He failed his driving test. Again. All he did was miss one little cone. Unfortunately, the cone was in the lobby of a bank.

When he fights, he has a devastating “palsy punch.” Not only does his opponent never know where it’s coming from, but neither does he.

“When I come on stage, I have to confront it [his cerebral palsy] right away,” Blue said in a phone interview. “I have to make everyone comfortable with it, so they can go on and enjoy the show.”

Blue is aware that the capsule description of him will probably always be The Comedian With Cerebral Palsy. He might not like it, but he’s accepted it.

“That’s the brutal truth. It’s never going to change,” he said. “I can’t think of a more direct way to describe me ... the comedy business can be so cutthroat and weird. They tell you to find your character and go with it. And then they tell you ‘Well, you only talk about one thing.’ But I have to talk about what I know. I can’t talk from a woman’s experience, or a black experience.”

Blue, 28, was born in Cameroon, West Africa, where his father taught at a mission school. The family moved to Minnesota when he was very young, but went back to Africa for a year when Blue was a teenager. He now lives in Denver, although his burgeoning comedy career means he spends a lot of time on the road.

He got into comedy going to open mike nights when he was at Evergreen State College in Olympia, Wash.

“My friends all told me I was funny, so I thought I’d try it on a grand scale,” he said. “Once I got the bug, I never really got over it.”

So Blue started working comedy clubs and colleges, and landed some guest star slots on Comedy Central’s The Mind of Mencia. He won a $10,000 grand prize as winner of the Royal Flush Comedy Competition at the 2004 Las Vegas Comedy Competition.

But his stint on NBC’s Last Comic Standing, he said, has brought him a new level of recognition.

“It was weird in a way, because there were cameras following me all the time,” he said. “On one level, I guess I’m surprised I won, but I knew if they let me on the show, I would be successful.”

Blue said most of his comedy has some basis in truth. In August, a few days after he won Last Comic Standing, Blue returned to his adopted hometown of Denver to record a show at the Gothic Theatre called Seven Days in the Tank. The tank refers to a van that cruises around the city picking up drunks, and the joke was that it took Blue seven days to convince police that he actually had cerebral palsy.

It didn’t quite happen that way, Blue said, but he did have an encounter with the tank after a bike accident, when he had to convince the police he wasn’t drinking.

Besides being a comedian, Blue is also an athlete ; he was a member of the U.S. soccer team during the 2004 Paralympic Games, an international sporting event for people with physical disabilities.

Naturally, this created more material for Blue’s jokes. There was the time Blue got injured, for example, and the coach has the nerve to put him on the disabled list. “Hey, coach, isn’t that the whole idea?” said Blue.

On stage, Blue pokes fun of the well-meaning but condescending people who insist on addressing him as though he was 3 years old. “Heeeeeeelllloooooo Buuuuuuuuuuuuddy,” Blue will croon very slowly, imitating the offenders.

Blue also addresses the issue of sexuality. His show is by no means X-rated, but there are occasional obscenities (“People don’t expect a disabled guy to be swearing”) and Blue makes it clear that having cerebral palsy doesn’t mean you’re no longer a sexual being. During his Denver show, for example, Blue kept flirting with an attractive woman in the audience.

“Ever been with a cripple?’ he asked. Then, every few jokes, he would turn back to her and ask “How about now?”

Blue said he feels walking a fine line when it comes to sexuality.

“Sometimes I can just feel the crowd change,” he said. “One of my favorite things is to be able to gauge the crowd and make changes on the fly. It’s like a chess game.”

By and large, Blue has won acclaim from others with disabilities. United Cerebral Palsy, an advocacy group for people with the condition, issued a press release congratulating Blue when he won Last Comic Standing.

Blue said if his act changes his audience’s thinking about people with disabilities, that’s good, but he’s on stage to be funny, not to be an inspiration.

“Just because I have a disability doesn’t mean I can’t be funny. And maybe people will come away with a different feeling about people with disabilities because of that,” he said. “But I don’t want to beat anyone over the head with it ... I never went into this to be motivational. I really just went in to be cool.”

Josh Blue will be at the Comedy Connection, 39 Warren Ave., East Providence, tomorrow at 8 p.m. Admission is $25. For information call 438-8383. He will be at the Comedy Connection in Boston, Faneuil Hall, on Friday at 8 p.m. and 10:15 p.m. Admission is $25. On Saturday he’ll be at the Boston Comedy Connection at 7 p.m. ($22.50), 9 p.m. and 11 p.m. (both $27.50). For information call 617-248-9700.

“Just because I have a disability doesn’t mean I can’t be funny.”

“Just because I have a disability doesn’t mean I can’t be funny.”

asmith@projo.com

Links

Buddy Hackett on Johnny Carson in 92
Don Rickles on Johnny Carson