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Terrorism Interview with God

George Bonin does a great job in this capturing reality

(Columnist’s note: This is an imagined column about God granting an interview, speculating on terrorism. It was assembled with bits and pieces of news clips found on the Internet, but I am sure He would have spoken in such a vein.)

NEW YORK -- Responding to recent events on Earth, God, the omniscient creator-deity, worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more than 6,000 years, angrily clarified His longtime stance against humans killing each other.


"Look, I don’t know; maybe I haven’t made myself completely clear, so for the record here it is again," said the Lord, His divine face betraying visible emotion during a press conference near the site of the fallen Twin Towers.

"Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea that I want them to kill their neighbor. Well, I don’t. And to be honest, I’m really getting sick and tired of it. Get it straight: Not only do I not want anybody to kill anyone, but I specifically commanded you not to, in simple terms that anybody ought to be able to understand."

Worshipped by Christians, Jews and Muslims alike, God said His name has been invoked countless times over the centuries as a reason to kill in what He called an "unending cycle of violence."

"I don’t care how holy somebody claims to be," God said. "If a person tells you it’s My will that they kill someone, they’re wrong. Got it? I don’t care what religion you are, or who you think your enemy is, here it is one more time: No killing in My name or anyone else’s, ever again."

The press conference came as a surprise to humankind, as God rarely intervenes in earthly affairs. As a matter of longstanding policy, He has traditionally left the task of interpreting His message and divine wit to clerics, rabbis, priests, imams and biblical scholars.

Theologians and laymen alike have been given the task of pondering His ineffable mysteries, deciding for themselves what to do as a matter of faith. His decision to manifest on the material plane was motivated by the deep sense of shock, outrage and sorrow He felt over the Sept. 11 violence carried out in His name, and over its dire potential ramifications around the globe.

"I tried to put it in the simplest possible terms for you people, so you’d get it straight, because I thought it was pretty important," said God, called Yahweh and Allah, respectively, in the Judaic and Muslim traditions.

"I guess I figured I’d left no real room for confusion after putting in a four-word sentence with one-syllable words on the tablets I gave to Moses. How much more clear can I get?

"But somehow it all gets twisted around, and next thing you know, somebody’s spouting off some nonsense about ‘God says I have to kill this guy, God wants me to kill that guy, it’s God’s will.’"

God continued: "It’s not God’s will, all right. News flash: God’s will equals don’t murder people. To be honest, there’s some contradictory stuff in there, OK," God said. "So I can see how it could be pretty misleading. I admit it -- MY BAD.

"I did My best to inspire them, but a lot of imperfect human agents have misinterpreted My message over the millennia. Frankly, much of the material that got in there is dogmatic, doctrinal bull. I turn My head for a second, and suddenly, all this stuff about homosexuality gets into Leviticus, and everybody thinks it’s God’s will to hate gays. It absolutely drives Me up the wall."

God praised the overwhelming majority of His Muslim followers as "wonderful, pious people," and called the perpetrators of the Sept. 11 attacks rare exceptions.

"The whole medieval concept of the jihad, or holy war, had all but vanished from the Muslim world in, like, the 10th century, and with good reasons," God said.

"There’s no such thing as a holy war, only unholy ones. The vast majority of Muslims in the world reject the murderous actions of these radical extremists." God continued, "Read the book: Allah is kind, Allah is beautiful, Allah is merciful."

It goes on and on that way, page after page. But no, some misfits have to come along and revive this stupid holy-war line just to further their own hateful agenda. So now, even God stresses that His remarks were not directed exclusively at extremists, but rather at anyone whose ideological zealotry overrides his or her ability to comprehend the core message of all world religions.

"I don’t care what faith you are, everybody’s been making this same mistake since the dawn of time," God said.

"The Muslims massacre the Hindus, the Hindus massacre the Muslims. The Buddhists, everybody murders the Buddhists. The Jews, don’t even get me started on the hard-liner, right-wing Meir Kahane-loving Israeli nationalists.

"And the Christians? You people believe in a Messiah who says, ‘Turn the other cheek,’ but you’ve been killing everybody you can get your hands on since the Crusades."

God continued: "There are tons of different religious factions out there who worship Me in different ways. But the basic message is always the same: Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Shintoism, every religious belief system under the sun, they all say you’re supposed to love your neighbors. Folks, it’s not hard a concept to grasp.

"Why would you think I’d want anything else? Humans don’t need religion or God as an excuse to kill each other. You’ve been doing that without any help from me since you were living apes," God said.

"The whole point in believing in God is to have a higher standard of behavior. How obvious can you get?

"I’m talking to all of you here," continued God, His voice rising to a shout. "Do you hear Me? I don’t want you to kill anybody. I’m against it, across the board. How many times do I have to say it? Don’t kill each other anymore -- ever! I’m really serious."

Upon completing His outburst, God fell silent, standing quietly at the podium for several moments. Then, witnesses reported, God’s shoulders began to shake and He wept.

George Bonin is a columnist for The Times.