Northern Hills Homeowner's Association

Herb Kelleher to Take Over TWA

Mar 31, 2001

Herb Kelleher, who broke all the rules thirty years ago when he founded Southwest Airlines, has announced that he's coming out of retirement [He isn't due to actually retire until June 1 -- is this guy an overachiever, or what? --ed] to take over TWA.
That's the story; but it's really a little more like this: TWA is the biggest customer for the Boeing 717, the most-efficient short-haul airliner around. Kelleher, with his decades of 737-worship, has found a new favorite. "It's cheaper to buy the TWA name from American Airlines than to repaint the planes," he said, expressing the brilliant, cheap business sense that allowed him to outdistance his cut-rate competitors in the 1970s and beyond.
He plans to start small, with just a handful of airplanes, running routes from Houston's Hobby, Dallas Love, and San Antonio. "It's never been done before," Kelleher said absentmindedly, "and I think there's a possibility that, if we grow only when we absolutely have to, we can build a new, profitable airline from the rust and ashes of TWA."
An American Airlines official, who did not want to go on the record, said (referring to the 717s), "Frankly, we're glad somebody's buying those little jets from us. Their efficiency would have been embarrassing to the rest of our fleet."
The "new TWA" will feature an all-female flight attendant corps, wearing hot pants and "go-go" boots. Asked about the possible backlash from this policy, Kelleher said, "Political correctness doesn't sell tickets. As for union troubles, we don't need a union to tell us which beautiful young women to hire. My new Chief of Employee Recruitment, W.J. Clinton, will take those with the proper qualifications into his own hands."
Other unions may be part of the new TWA, though, particularly for pilots and mechanics. Kelleher has not said who his new Director of Labor Relations will be, although one name appears to have already been ruled out: Frank Lorenzo told an ANN reporter that he's not interested in the airline industry any more, since his conversion. [By the way, Lorenzo prefers to be called by his new name, Mkweezi Ali X --ed.]

And if you haven't figured it out by now -- April Fools! - John Penry